The Fast Show - Major Characters

Major Characters

The show featured many characters and sketches. Some of the more prominent recurring characters/sketches are:

• "Unlucky" Alf, a lonely old pensioner living somewhere in northern England for whom nothing ever goes right. He often predicts a bad event that is obvious, only to find something else occurs as he tries to avoid the first problem. His hook is his resigned "Oh bugger!" as something terrible happens. (Paul Whitehouse, all series)
• Anyone fancy a pint? A man (Whitehouse) who finds himself in boring or bizarre situations, such as a dinner party where a woman is talking about how she was abandoned as a child and crying about everyone letting her down. Whitehouse then interrupts at the most insensitive moment asking "Anyone fancy a pint?," before he and most of the men in the room leave. One early sketch featured Higson portraying an earnest claymation animator (a parody of Nick Park) who describes the animation process in excruciatingly tedious detail by moving each feature "just a tiny amount" until Whitehouse's character sneaks away, whispering the punchline. According to the commentary in The Ultimate Fast Show, Park loved the sketch and sent copies of it to friends and family that year as a video Christmas card.
• Archie the pub bore. Talks to people in the pub, and when they mention their profession, no matter what it is and however unlikely, he always claims to have had the same profession ("I used to be a single mother myself"), saying that it is the "hardest game in the world. Thirty years, man and boy!" He has an obsession with Frank Sinatra, almost invariably steering the conversation towards the singer and weakly singing the title line of "High Hopes," after mentioning how he and his friend Stan fared on a recent fishing trip. (Whitehouse, series 3)
• Arthur Atkinson, parody of 1940s music hall entertainers such as Max Miller and Arthur Askey, played by Paul Whitehouse, introduced by Tommy Cockles (played by Simon Day), himself a parody of presenters of TV history, especially Denis Norden (Whitehouse, all series)
• Billy Bleach, tousle-mopped, interfering pub know-it-all who gets it all wrong, usually ending up with others losing money. His catchphrases include "Hold the bells" and "Someone's sitting there, mate. " This character starred in his own series, Grass which was shown on BBC Three, later on BBC Two. (Simon Day, all series)
• Bob Fleming, the ageing, incompetent West Country host of Country Matters, who has an extremely bad cough. His surname is a pun on phlegm-ing. Country matters is a Shakespearean euphemism for cunnilingus, from Hamlet. (Higson, all series)
• Brilliant Kid. In the first draft of the script for the pilot, this character was called Eric and was described as "a young Yorkshire man" but in the series he is never named. He delivers an edited monologue listing everyday things, all of which he declares to be 'brilliant!' or 'fantastic!' as he walks through a series of random backgrounds (filmed in widely varied locations ranging from the Tees Valley to Iceland) during which the quality and format of the images also randomly changes (e. g. from colour to b/w). In one episode he expressed doubt about whether everything really is 'brilliant' or not, and as he's walking through one background, an abandoned funfair, he debates with himself half-heartedly ("Everything is brilliant...right? I mean...it might not be...nah, it is!") (Whitehouse, all series)
• Carl Hooper, Australian presenter of That's Amazing, a spoof of pop-science shows. Normally such a person would try to pass off an everyday animal or object as something magical. The one occasion where a guest had a truly amazing story to tell was unbroadcastable due to the guest's inability to refrain from swearing excitedly while relating the tale (Day, all series)
• Chanel 9, a low-budget television channel from a country known only as "Republicca, " ruled by "El Presidente" who resembles a stereotypical Latin American dictator. Chanel 9 parodied the sort of programmes that British people end up watching on holiday around the Mediterranean. The stars, usually Paul Whitehouse, Paul Shearer and Caroline Aherne, speak a concocted language loosely based on Italian, Greek, Spanish and Portuguese, mashed together with nonsensical phrases (e. g. "sminky pinky") and incongruous English names and words (e. g. footballer Chris Waddle). Early segments featured the Chanel 9 News, read by anchormen Poutremos Poutra-Poutremos (Whitehouse) and Kolothos Apollonia (Shearer), followed by the weather forecast with meteorologist Poula Fisch (Aherne), invariably reporting a temperature for all locations of 45 °C (113 °F) while exclaiming "scorchio!" with apparent surprise. Sports news was presented by Antonios Gubba (Simon Day) - whose name is based on the commentator Tony Gubba - seated at a much lower desk and talking with a low voice. Later Chanel 9 sketches consisted of several short segments, usually interspersed with parodic advertisements for the ubiquitous "Gizmo" a bizarre mechanical product which could be used with equal efficacy in the kitchen, garden or bedroom. Other Chanel 9 programmes, including a cartoon, a current affairs discussion, a quiz show, a soap opera ("El Amora Y El Passionna") and a variety series, were added in later sketches. The Fast Show Christmas Special featured the Chanel 9 musical nativity play, "Holy Sprog", which parodied the celebrity Xmas special genre, and the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar. Key Chanel 9 catchphrases included the Republiccan greeting and farewell, "Buono estente" and "Boutros Boutros-Ghali" (the name of the then UN Secretary-General).
• Checkout Girl, a simple and chatty young woman working behind the till at a supermarket who passes comment on every item the customer buys regardless of the personal or sensitive nature of the product. (Aherne, series 3)
• Chip Cobb, the deaf stuntman, a TV and film stuntman who, because of his hearing problems, always mishears his instructions and proceeds to carry them out incorrectly before anyone can stop him, much to the despair of the film crew. In the East Midlands of England, a 'chip cob' is a sandwich of french fries made with a bread roll (known locally as a 'cob'). (Thomson, series 3)
• Chris the Crafty Cockney, claims to be an incurable kleptomaniac ("I'll nick anything, me"). He is left alone with something valuable and invariably steals it. Because of how upfront he is of his thieving nature, most people tend to believe he's joking. In one sketch, he even alludes to being an actual clinical kleptomaniac and involuntarily steals from his friend Dan after he trusts Chris to watch his newspaper stall, after extensively warning him of the risks involved in doing so. (Whitehouse, series 2–3)
• Colin Hunt, unfunny and irritating office joker whose name gives an indication of his personality (Higson, series 2–3)
• Competitive Dad, overcritical and demanding of his kids, this one always has to get one up on them. (Day, series 2–3). Day explained in an interview that he had based the idea for the character on a man he noticed in a public swimming pool who challenged his two young children to a race. Day thought he'd let them win, but instead he took off and stood on the other end of the pool waiting for his toddler sons to struggle their way across the pool. He (Day) thought of it as "sick."
• Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior, a classic Essex geezer who, despite his get-up and rather lavish lifestyle, is improbably concerned about saving the planet (though this is often undermined by his wife's behaviour), Mike Oldfield records, and swinging. A parody of a late-night magazine programme presented by Mike Reid. "Moonlight Shadow" by Mike Oldfield & Maggie Reilly is used as the theme tune to sketches featuring this character (Day, series 3)
• Professor Denzil Dexter of the University of Southern California and his various bizarre scientific experiments, long-haired and highly laid-back. (Thomson, series 1–2, online series)
• The 13th Duke of Wymbourne, posh, rumpled dinner-jacketed, lecherous cigar smoker, reminisces about finding himself in wholly unsuitable places considering his "reputation". Based on the characters of Terry-Thomas. (Whitehouse, series 3)
• Ed Winchester, an American reporter. He beams at the camera introduces himself, "Hi! I'm Ed Winchester!," in an upbeat voice. In his last appearance in Series 2 he appears to have been cut off as he then mentions Jesus straight after introducing himself. (Jeff Harding).
• Even Better Than That!, a slack-jawed, not too bright man who comes back from the shops with something ridiculously unnecessary instead of what his wife sent him out for (Williams, series 3)
• The Fat, Sweaty Coppers, a squad of police officers who cannot do their job properly as they are extremely overweight due to their constant eating and drinking. (Thomson and Weir included, series 1-2)
• Gideon Soames, white-haired, posh-talking architecture and history professor, possibly a cross between Simon Schama and Brian Sewell, with some elements of Bamber Gascoigne. Despite the serious tone of his speeches, their content becomes increasingly ridiculous. (Day series 2–3)
• Giggly Woman, a woman who seems very confident until a man she likes enters the room, and then goes all childish, as if she fancies him. The character debuted in series 1 during a small segment in the credits, but only became a recurring character later on. (Weir, series 3)
• The Historian, a jubilant, but emotionally imbalanced man who patrols the corridors of an historic boys academy alone whilst telling tall tales about former traditions both cruel and unreasonable. (Williams, series 3)
• I'll Get Me Coat, a socially inept Brummie, who is unable to make any appropriate contribution to a conversation, and disgraces himself with a faux pas before using the punchline and leaving. (Williams, all series)
• I'm not Pissed, a family - mother (Maria McErlane), father (Williams) and son (Day) - who regularly point out that they are not drunk despite the fact they are taking regular swigs from gin bottles, beer cans, and the like. (series 2)
• Insecure Woman, appears in a variety of different locations, usually exclaiming, "Does my bum look big in this?" (Weir, all series)
• Invisible Woman, a woman who tries to converse with a group of men but is completely ignored, only for a man in that group to repeat what she said and receive congratulations from the others for such a good idea. (Weir)
• Jesse, a taciturn country bumpkin who exclaims his strange diets, fashion tastes and experiments, in a single sentence "This week, I 'ave been mostly..." - except for one sketch, where he says "This week, I 'aven't been 'ungry. " (Williams, series 2–3)
• John Actor, who plays Inspector Monkfish, a tough uncompromising cop who often exclaims to the nearest woman, "Put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea!" (Day, series 2–3, online series). Loosely based on the BBC series Dangerfield. There were variations on the show's format, two examples being Monkfish as a tough, uncompromising doctor in "Monkfish M.D." and Monkfish as a tough, uncompromising vet in "All Monkfish Great and Small." One Monkfish sketch even crossed over onto Chanel 9. Sometime between the end of series 3 and the last episode, John Actor died yet the series is apparently continuing in the manner of Taggart after the death of the lead actor.
• Johnny Nice Painter, a man who paints a scene, describing all the colours. Whenever he or his wife Katie (Weir) mentions the colour "black", however, he becomes more and more depressed, eventually going somewhat insane and shouting wildly about the despair of mankind, despite the best efforts of his wife to prevent him from doing so. His appearance is based on TV painter Alwyn Crawshaw. (Higson, series 3, online series)
• Ken and Kenneth, two tailors in a men's formal wear shop, who bombard potential customers with sexually explicit innuendo about their private life, frequently interjecting the catchphrase "Ooh! Suit you sir!," much to the discomfort of the customer. They become confused and even frightened in two episodes; one when they get a customer who is gay, and another with a customer (played by Day) who is as willing to talk about sexual deviance as they are. Due to Williams's absence from the online series, his character Kenneth will be written out and replaced by Kenton, played by Charlie Higson. (Whitehouse and Williams: series 1,2,3, and Whitehouse and Higson: online specials)
• Louis Balfour, pretentious and ultra laid-back presenter of Jazz Club (a parody of The Old Grey Whistle Test), based on a blend of Bob Harris and Roger Moore. He also has a remarkable similarity to Geoffrey Smith, presenter of "Jazz Record Requests" on Radio 3). Seemingly having done his "research", he introduces his guests by comparing them to avant-garde jazz musicians or describing their style/technique by using complex musical phraseology. These guests usually turn out to be utterly talentless "experimentalists", much to his bemusement. His catchphrase "Nice!" was delivered by turning to a different camera for that word only. Later he delivered other words in a similar manner. (Thomson, series 2–3, online series)
• Luvvie an over-the-top thespian describes his character and mentions that he needs to spend six hours being made up when actually it takes a few seconds (Thomson, series 3)
• Monster Monster, a vampire who creeps up on a slumbering woman and gives her betting advice (Whitehouse, series 3). The set-up is a parody of a scene from the 1922 German classic horror film Nosferatu, while the vampire's voice and catchphrase of "Monster, monster" are based on Eric Hall.
• No Offence, a rude, orange-faced South African department store cosmetics saleswoman who has no qualms about informing women of their physical imperfections, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she looks like a dried-out old orange herself. (Weir, series 3)
• "Our" Janine Carr, a teenage mum with a unique world outlook. She refuses to reveal who the father of her baby is because "it's not fair to grass on your headmaster." (Aherne, series 1–2, online series)
• The Offroaders, Simon and Lindsey, despite their unusually high confidence and esteem, are useless at their hobby ("sorted!," "gripped!"). (Higson and Whitehouse, all series)
• Patrick Nice, a man who tells far-fetched, sometimes odd stories followed by calmingly saying his catchphrase, "Which was nice." (Williams, series 2–3)
• Roger Nouveau Football Fan, a man who seems to talk a lot about football as if a true Arsenal supporter, but makes it glaringly obvious he knows nothing about the game.(Thomson, series 3)
• Ron Manager, a football commentator who speaks in incoherent sentence fragments on randomly divergent trains of thought. He usually appears with interviewer (Day) and fellow commentator Tommy (Williams), and whenever a question is posed to Tommy, Ron Manager often begins one of his "stream of consciousness" monologues based on one of the words or names in the question, often finishing with youngsters playing with "jumpers for goalposts". Based on former football manager from the '60s and '70s, Alec Stock. (Whitehouse: all TV and online series)
• Rowley Birkin QC, a retired barrister, tells mostly unintelligible stories at the fireside. Occasionally, his speech becomes coherent for a short while, containing strange phrases such as "The whole thing was made completely out of matchsticks" or "Snake! Snake!" Almost always ends his stories with a sly "I'm afraid I was very, very drunk!" In the final episode of series 2, his rambling anecdote appeared to involve a woman for whom he had great affection and ended with a close-up of faint tears on his cheeks, while the usual "very drunk" line was delivered in an unexpectedly moving, sorrowful voice. The character is reprised as a working barrister in the spin-off feature Ted and Ralph. Whitehouse revealed on the UK chatshow Parkinson that the character was based on Andrew Rollo whom he met on a fishing trip to Iceland; Rollo appeared in The Fast Show documentary, which revealed how closely Rowley's speech resembled that of his real-life inspiration. At the end of a Christmas episode the caption revealed that he died. "Rowley Birkin QC 1918 - 2000," however despite this on-screen demise he will appear in the 2011 online specials. (Whitehouse, TV series 2–3, and online series)
• Roy & Renée, endless chattering from Renée and her quiet, submissive husband Roy, whom she expects to meekly agree with everything she says. Roy always embarrasses her at the end of every sketch, after which he gets a stinging reprimand from his wife. She makes her last appearance in the show during the 1996 Christmas Special, when Roy's mother finally gives in to holding back the resentment towards Renée's smug attitude. (Thomson and Aherne, series 1–2)
• Rubbish Dad, the father and opposite of Brilliant Kid who proclaims everything to be "rubbish." He is usually only seen in an industrial scrapheap area. The one thing he does like is Des Lynam. (Thomson, all series)
• The Shags, a childless couple who are seen in the midst of very graphic sexual intercourse, much to the discomfort of their neighbours. Among other things they were seen at it in a tent in a sports shop, in a tree in the park and even on a bed being carried by removal men as they moved into the neighbourhood.
• Swiss Toni, a car salesman who compares everything to seducing and making love to a beautiful woman, usually in the presence of his bemused trainee Paul (Rhys Thomas). This was also the title of a short-lived spin-off sitcom, featuring Toni in the car dealership in which he worked. Swiss is the only non-original character in the show. He had previously appeared in the second series of The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer in 1995, which was produced by Higson and featured cameos from many members of The Fast Show. (Higson: TV series 3 and online)
• Ted & Ralph – country squire Lord Ralph Mayhew attempts to strike-up an intimate relationship with his introverted Irish estate worker Ted, by way of subtle romantic/erotic subtexts in his conversations with him (Whitehouse and Higson, all series). Also the title of a one-off, hour-long spin-off feature, reprising the characters, with cameos from a few other characters. (Higson and Whitehouse: all TV and online series)
• "You ain't seen me: right?", an unknown traveller who is probably a criminal who says "You ain't seen me: right?" to some minor characters in the show and sometimes the viewer. He comes up in the show in various locations and is at one point on Chanel 9 News sitting in the sports reporter's seat. He is also seen in the background when the Brilliant Kid walks past talking about the usual things. (Williams, all series)
• Inept Zookeeper, a zookeeper who is frightened and/or disgusted by virtually every aspect of his job (cleaning up elephant dung, feeding the penguins, for example) and is thus rendered unable to perform his tasks properly. (Williams, series 3)